


I can’t change the past, but I can be next to you

by Fating



Category: Mötley Crüe, The Dirt (2019)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Car Accidents, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-21 04:22:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21293573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fating/pseuds/Fating
Summary: Vince has to deal with his past. Luckly Nikki won't leave his side.
Relationships: Nikki Sixx/Vince Neil
Comments: 10
Kudos: 24





	I can’t change the past, but I can be next to you

Everything was pitched black.

Vince had no idea where he was until some dim lights started to illuminate his surroundings: he was in a car. Why in the hell was he in a car? Last time he checked he was passed out on the couch after one too many drinks.

“It’s Christmas. Look all the lights, man,” a voice said, and Vince completely froze. He knew that voice too well, it was Razzle’s. But it couldn’t be—that already happened; it was years ago. He already paid for his sins, didn’t he? Maybe this was his punishment: seeing that scene over and over again. Knowing that it didn’t matter how many years had passed, he was still a murderer, his best friend was still dead, and it was all because of him. He closed his eyes, but the images were printed in his memory and they had no intention of going away anytime soon.

When he opened his eyes again, something changed. He was still in his car but Razzle was gone and in the rearview mirror he could see two other people, also very familiar: Tommy and Mick. The older man had his head in his hands, possibly due to the pain, while the younger one had a big cut on his forehead, blood pouring way too fast from it.

“Why did you do it, Vince?” Tommy said, trembling. “Why did you kill him too?”

At first, Vince thought that statement was about him killing Razzle but when he moved his gaze to the passenger’s seat, he could feel the air being completely taken out of his lungs: laying there completely still was Nikki. His Nikki, with his eyes wide open, his head on Vince’s lap and his face covered in blood.

His mind was convincing him that his nightmare was real and that it was happening right now, so he started screaming even though he couldn’t breathe anymore; because it didn’t matter that his lungs were on fire, or that his heart was breaking his rib cage, or that he could have passed out any second now. Because in that moment the only thing that mattered were his two best friends, injured in the back seats and his Nikki, possibly dead in his arms.

“HELP!” he screamed at the lights, hoping that anybody could come there to rescue his bandmates. 

“SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE!” he said, and every scream was a sharp pain in his lungs. 

Then reality hit hard. Nobody was hearing him; he was all alone. His friends would die, that wonderful soul named Nikki who had survived two times would be dead because of him and he would still be alive, remembering all his sins and the lives he took. 

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to do it. I don’t deserve to live, take me please, leave them live. It’s MY fault, not theirs. I’m the one who’s supposed to die,” Vince mumbled, rocking back and forth while covering his ears.

“Vince,” a voice called, and he figured it must be a either a paramedic or a cop.

“Vince,” the voice said again, and it felt like someone was dragging him out of the car.

“VINCE!” the unknown voice screamed one last time. 

Vince suddenly woke up, his heart almost wrecking his chest. It was like a big wave crashed over him, carrying all the pain that existed in the world: he couldn’t move, or breathe, all he could do was stay still and feel all of it.

Right in front of him were his three friends: Tommy with a scared and sad face, Mick who was trying to keep a neutral face but was pretty concerned, and Nikki who seemed worried.

“Dude, are you okay? We heard you screaming, and you weren’t waking up no matter how hard we would call or shake you,” Tommy explained.

Vince cursed himself and the thin walls of their house. He tried to find the right words to say to not worry them. But everything was too much and the nightmare’s images were still printed in his mind, threatening to come out any time now. He felt like the world was crushing down on him right in that moment.

He opened his mouth, but then he started crying. Hot tears streamed down his face while his breathing got heavier and heavier. The more he tried to catch his breath the more his heart would pound and the more he felt like he could go mad. _Somebody make it stop, please, _he thought.

“Man, hey. Hey, breathe please,” this time it was Nikki, and Vince tried to listen to him but his mind completely forgot how to do that action. When Nikki saw Vince struggling, he put the blonde’s head on his heart. Listening to the black-haired man’s heartbeat made Vince calm down a bit as he tried to focus on keeping his breathing to a human level. Easier said than done. Tommy couldn’t stand it anymore and went to Vince’s side, hugging his high school best friend slightly while Mick just put a hand on the singer’s knee.

They stayed like that for a while, Vince’s sobs and the occasional comforting words by Tommy the only things that could be heard; Nikki took the blonde’s hand in his and he could see that the singer was still distressed and scared so he brought Vince even closer to him. Eventually, Vince started to breathe again.

“What happened, Vinnie?” he whispered in his ear. Hearing those words, Vince felt a wave of disgust hit him. How stupid and pathetic did he seem in that moment? How much of a bitch was he to break down in that way? He deserved nothing, nothing except all this pain and suffering. He didn’t deserve Nikki’s worry, Tommy’s hugs, and Mick’s understanding. He was a _monster _and soon he would have hurt them too.

Vince shook his head, pulled away from Tommy, and turned so that his back was facing his bandmates. He knew that they were as repulsed by him as he was with himself, and he expected them to just walk away and leave him alone in his misery. But neither of them moved.

“Guys… um, could you leave us alone, please?” Nikki asked and Vince was utterly confused. Mick gave Vince’s shoulder a gentle squeeze before he went to his room. Tommy stayed back for a while, as he didn’t want to leave his friends alone, but he eventually gave up, and after one last hug, followed Mick.

“What happened, Vinnie?” Nikki asked.

The singer didn’t answer. He just tensed up again and his body started to shake uncontrollably. Nikki sighed and pulled Vince even closer to himself so that his arms were around the singer’s torso and the blonde’s head was pressed against his chest. He started to rub little circles on the other man’s back to calm him down as Vince kept crying, his hair damp with sweat and his breathing hitching dangerously. 

“I saw that damn night again, I saw him dying again. Everything was black and then…” Vince blurted, but he stopped because his heart was clenching at the memory of his Nikki dying.

“Then what?” Sixx asked, gently petting his hair.

“Then… Tommy and Mick appeared in the backseat and you- you w-were d-dead. Your face was covered in blood and it was all because of me. You were dead because of me, don’t you understand that I’m a fucking monster?” his words were interrupted by sobs then. He felt his heart starting to pound again while tears dotted the corners of his eyes. He brought his hands up to cover his ears as Nikki rocked him softly.

“We’re all here, Vince, and you’re not a monster. We’ve all made so many mistakes, some worse than others but we had paid for them and we’re learning,” Nikki explained sweetly. It was so weird for the bassist to be the voice of reason, the one comforting people.

“I killed my best friend, Nikki! I should’ve died that night, not Razzle! I’m still alive after everything I’ve done, after innocent people died and my daughter paid for my sins.” Vince said, exhausted, his words filled with venom.

“Vin, what happened to Skylar was horrible and unfair but you can’t blame yourself, do you understand?” Nikki said firmly, and the singer gave him a weak nod.

“Make it stop Nikki, please,” the blonde begged, crushing Nikki’s heart.

“I can’t, Vince, but I can promise that I will always be here for you, always at your side. I can promise you that you won’t hurt me.“

Vince melted into Nikki’s arms, trying to listen to his heartbeat. _Nikki was here, he was alive. _Eventually Vince was able to calm down, and while he was almost drifting away, he heard Nikki calling him.

“Vinnie,” the bassist whispered. Vince only lifted his head slightly, too drained to do otherwise. Nikki looked him in his eyes and then kissed him softly; Vince had no idea where he found the energy to kiss him back, but he did somehow.

“Let’s go to my bedroom and see if we can sleep,” Nikki said after they separated from their kiss. He picked Vince up bridal style, the singer too tired to actually walk. The bassist placed Vince on his bed and then spooned him, his hand resting in Vince’s blonde locks.

“Thanks, Nikki. I love you. Sorry for being so pathetic,” the younger man mumbled slowly, starting to close his eyes.

“You’re never pathetic, not to me. I love you too, Vinnie,” Nikki replied, kissing Vince’s forehead and hugging him tightly.

The last thing Vince remembered was Nikki’s hand in his before a peaceful sleep took over him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much to @westcoasting for correcting all my gramar mistakes ( because English it's not my first language, lol)


End file.
